An (Honest) Letter to Myself

If all I can do for you right now, Self, is offer a glimmer of light in the darkness, then I will leave the light on. 

I’m not quite sure where to begin. I have much to say. I suppose I should start with an apology. It’s been needed for a while now.

I am so sorry for the way I have been treating you. I am sorry for the words I have spoken to you. I am so sorry for hating you, and for hating your very existence. I am sorry for believing the lies that I’ve been told, and for doing nothing to stop them as they choked you. I am sorry for forcing you to keep silent and hold everything inside. I am sorry for never allowing the real you to show yourself to others. I am sorry for everything I have said and done to cause you to believe that you will never be good enough, and that you’re not lovable. I am sorry for comparing you to others and for setting such strict standards and expectations that are clearly unreachable and unachievable. I am sorry for not teaching you to truly love yourself.

I am so sorry for all that I’ve done to hurt you. I am sorry for never being your friend, and for never pulling out the gold from within you. I withheld so much good from you, and for this I am sorry.

It’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to be perfect. It’s okay that you don’t have your life all figured out right now. There is no rush. Take your time. Baby steps are totally fine. You may stumble along the way, but you will still be okay. Everything will be okay.

You may not feel loved right now, and that is okay. You don’t have to feel loved in order to be loved. You just have to believe it and accept it as a free gift. I understand that this is hard for you, but you’re not alone. Stop trying to change who you are to try to earn love. You’ve spent your entire life attempting to be good enough, but you already are good enough. Stop hiding. Be yourself, love.

Don’t give up on yourself. Your life is worth living. There is so much more to your life than what you are presently going through. You will make it through this. You will see better days ahead. I know you feel pain right now, but you don’t have to stay stuck here. I need you to trust that this is not the end of your story. There is an abundant amount of goodness in store for you. You don’t have to have all of the answers right now. It’s okay to feel. Remember what Augustus said in The Fault in Our Stars? “That’s the thing about pain; it demands to be felt.”

Look, Self, I don’t care what people are saying about you. You know better. Stop allowing what people say and what people do to you to define you. You are so much more than all of this. I love you, and darn it, I need you to love you, too! Open your eyes! Let the light in!

There is so much more to life than working all day at a job you hate and hoping that the wages you make will be enough to get you by. You weren’t just made to ‘get by.’ Then you come home and the anger you hold inside soon leashes out on those around you. I’m telling you right now that it isn’t worth it. There are people who love and care for you. Please, Self, open your freaking eyes. 

I love you. You’re amazing. I just need you to see what I see, too, dear.

If all I can do for you right now, Self, is offer a glimmer of light in the darkness, then I will leave the light on.

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