What if the battles we are constantly fighting inside of our heads aren’t worth the war we keep losing? What if the pain we so eagerly hold onto and justify, isn’t even worth the space, time, and emotion at all? What if, by holding onto to all of the hate and hurt, we are actually tearing ourselves apart slowly but surely? Is there any goodness in being a self-loathing grenade?
Please don’t misunderstand me here. I am not discrediting what you are going through. The pain that you are currently experiencing and the battles that you are currently battling do matter. You are writing a story that is not over yet. However, the destruction done to you by others shouldn’t determine what sort of person you will become. Since when did we grant ourselves permission to barely live due to what others have said or done to us? Just because bad has been done to you does not justify you becoming a bad person.
“But, you don’t understand what I’m going through! You haven’t been through what I’ve been through.”
You’re right, I don’t fully understand what you’re going through. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the war in your mercy. Yet, I will do my best to understand. We all go through shit. Since when did we start believing that the person who has been through the most pain is the only one who actually experiences pain? Let’s be real here. Yes, you may be walking around with your head on fire, but you are not the only one, dear. You are surely not alone.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. All I am asking of you is that instead of being angry, of being hurt, of being guilty, you choose joy, peace, and patience. Is it easy? No. Not at all. But is it possible? Yes.
So what does it look like? It looks like taking care of yourself. The depression speaks to you, whispering, “Don’t get out of bed today. Call in to work. They don’t care if you show up or not, anyways.” But you fight back. Instead of giving in, you wake up a little early and give yourself time to yourself. Take a warm bath or shower. Eat a healthy meal. Get dressed. Use good hygiene. I hope you can realize that no matter how bad you think your workplace is, you are still an important member, and you are still there to serve others. If nothing else, you are there to make the money to provide for yourself or your family.
It looks like taking care of your body and taking care of your mind. You don’t have to workout three times a week for three hours if that’s not your thing. However, walks with friends or music are good for the body and soul. Don’t become lazy. There are so many good ways to nourish your body and soul. You take care of your mind by finding people to talk to, the people who you know you can confide in and get real with. You have to learn to stop holding everything inside. You think you’re doing yourself and others around you justice by keeping everything ‘to your self,’ but in reality, you’re not keeping anything to yourself. You’re constantly irritated. The smallest of things get on your nerves. You find yourself taking offense to things that would normally seem silly. You become a grenade. You may not have exploded yet, but everyone knows what’s coming. And in the meantime, you are only falling apart in the process.
If you are constantly focused on the hurt you feel and on the pain you have been through, you won’t be able to see clearly the bright future ahead of you if you choose the path of healing. At some point, you have to stop hating yourself and reminiscing your past mistakes and regrets. No one said this would be easy, but it is possible, dear.
Look at what is in front of you. Perhaps you see your significant other. Perhaps you see a small child or more. Maybe you see a puppy or a kitten. Perhaps you see a piece of cheesecake with a beer sitting in front of you. Whatever it may be as you fix your gaze to what is presently in front of you, and focus on the good things that surround you. Do you like what you see? Do you love what you see? If you don’t, work to improve your situation. If you love what you see, then smile. Your hope lies in front of you, darling.
At the end of the day, you are ultimately responsible for yourself, for your emotions and actions. Wouldn’t you like to start facing your battles on offense instead of on defense?
The choice to win is yours. What’ll it be?